it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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