hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
