I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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