I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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