mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
