I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
