i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
