Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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