Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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