My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
