Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
