shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
