i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
