my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
