My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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