Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
