Tell her she can't have a vagina
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
