a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
