we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
