Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
