I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
