Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
