if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
