The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
