Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
