oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
why didn't you poke me back
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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