Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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