I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
