He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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