There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
