His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
