Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
