dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
