I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
