What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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