That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
