before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
