Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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