MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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