i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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