I love black thongs
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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