I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
