I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
