Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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