The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
