Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
