when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
