Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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