Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
