Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
