i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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