I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
