someone threw a dead crab at me
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
