dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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