Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
