butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
