Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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