last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
