so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
