I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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