i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I want a musical about memes.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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