So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
