I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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